The YuriKick of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Recalled to Life
Summary: Sequel to "The YaoiKick of Haruhi Suzumiya." Now that Haruhi has moved on to yuri, Kyon has plenty of time to protect Mikuru from Yuki... But is the yaoi really over? *evil background music* YukiMiku, ItsuKyon
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: I'm baaaaaaack! :D

**Disclaimer**: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

* * *

Nagato stared intensely at Asahina-san. Haruhi stared intensely at Nagato. I stared intensely at Haruhi. Koizumi stared intensely at me.

How do we get ourselves into these messes?

Haruhi, of course, was the root of it all. It was her new obsession with yuri that was (presumably) making Nagato stare at Asahina-san, and Haruhi was probably hoping that the two girls would indulge her. It was sick and wrong, but still preferable to her previous obsession.

Yaoi.

The scourge of Japan and its dark legion of fangirls are a force to be reckoned with, especially when Haruhi Suzumiya is among their ranks. She was responsible for Koizumi and I… Koizumi and I…

Mouthwash. I need mouthwash.

"Yuki-chan? Mikuru-chan?" Haruhi continued to gawk. "Are you lovers?"

Nagato made no response, too fixated on Asahina-san for that. Asahina-san merely whimpered, too embarrassed to do anything else. Of course they aren't lovers, Nagato was just in a good position to catch Asahina-san… and… she just hasn't… bothered to put her down yet… And for the record, I was serious about the mouthwash. If anyone happens to have some…

I was promptly ignored by everyone in the room. The potential yuri was too engrossing for all of them, except maybe Koizumi. Which reminds me…

Koizumi. Get your hand the hell off of my back.

He snickered and waited a moment before very kindly getting off of me. Thank you very much. I believe that we would both be mentally healthier if we pretended that _that_ never happened.

"Uh, N-Nagato-san?" Asahina-san's face was still adorable when it was bright red. "T-Thank you for c-catching me… I-It would be nice if you p-put me down."

"…"

Nagato took one last (longing?) look at Asahina-san before placing her feet firmly on the ground.

"I-I should get to class!" Asahina-san dashed out of the room. Poor Asahina-san, always the victim of Haruhi's whims… Normal humans were never meant to deal with Haruhi. Wait a second…

Class! Lunch is nearly over! Crap! I have to get back to homeroom! See you guys later!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Sorry this took so long, I had a state math competition to fail and AP exams to study for...

**Disclaimer**: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

* * *

"Lesbian lover," Haruhi muttered. "Lesbian lover, lesbian lover, lesbian lover… Hey, Kyon, isn't 'lesbian lover' fun to say?"

I suppose it is… Alliteration…

Honestly, I was hardly paying attention to Haruhi. My mind was still at lunch with Koizumi. Koizumi… ugh. What was that, my second kiss? Wait, no, third… multiple… Why the hell did Koizumi and I kiss three times in the past two days?! It looked like Asahina-san would be the next victim. I would have to offer her my protection from Nagato.

I left class at the end of the day, very pleased that I spent more of my daydreaming on Asahina-san than Koizumi. Haruhi had moved on to yuri. Why did I get the feeling that the yaoi wasn't quite over yet?

Haruhi needed to use the bathroom, so I went ahead to the clubroom on my own. What I saw surprised me, although I suppose it shouldn't have.

In one corner of the room, Nagato calmly read her book. Asahina-san blushingly stood next to her. Asahina-san's embarrassment was most likely caused by the fact that Nagato only had one hand on her book. The other hand was clutching Asahina-san's skirt. Hey, Nagato, I don't think Asahina-san particularly likes the way you're holding her skirt.

"…"

Ignored again.

"Mikuru-chan!" Haruhi kicked the door open. "Time to change into your maid outfit!"

Asahina-san nearly fainted. "U-um, Suzumiya-san? I-I d-don't feel comfortable changing in front of N-Nagato-san…"

"Aw, Mikuru-chan! Modest about changing in front of your lesbian lover? How adorable!"

Asahina-san tried to take a step toward me, but Nagato gripped her skirt tighter. I marched to the corner and pried Nagato's cold fingers from Asahina-san's skirt. I think the two of us will step outside for a few moments, eh, Nagato?

It took significant effort to remove Nagato from the room. She, to say the least, did not seem pleased. Still, I was happy to be of service to Asahina-san.

"Kyon."

"Look, I know you're not happy right now. I have a vague idea of what you're going through, but you should really talk to Koizumi. He—"

I looked into Nagato's eyes and flinched at what I saw. Ice. Daggers. Blood. My mangled corpse.

"Kyon, do not interfere in this matter. It is not in your best interest."

Forget about protecting Asahina-san. Protect yourself. Message received. I swallowed hard and decided that the SOS Brigade could survive without me for a day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: ^_^ Cherry lifesavers!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

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I ran down the hall to escape Nagato's wrath, taking a quick glance back to make sure she wasn't following me. The coast was clear.

Maybe looking back wasn't the brightest idea. Nagato was angrier than I thought possible, but she was still logical. No need to stick a knife in my chest just yet. Besides, if Nagato really wanted to kill me, I guess running wouldn't have done me any good.

Hold on a second. I need a moment to finish being creeped out by that.

Continuing, while I was turned around, I ran into someone.

"Hello, Kyon-kun."

Koizumi.

I couldn't think. I mean, I had no feelings for him, but talking to him was a bit awkward, considering lunch. And then there was that small matter of his hand on my back… What did that mean?

"Are you feeling all right, Kyon-kun?"

"Oh, uh, yeah, I'll be fine. I just wouldn't mess with Nagato if I were you."

"Haruhi's love of yuri has definitely gotten to her then?"

"Oh, it's gotten to her all right. I just hope Asahina-san won't have to suffer so much."

"I see." Oh, crap. Koizumi was going back to this "I see" business.

"If you're heading back to the clubroom, tell them I'm not coming back. My sister is sick, and I have to go right home, or some such nonsense."

"Consider it done. See you tomorrow, Kyon-kun."

As I walked home, I wondered. Koizumi seemed awfully concerned about me and a bit disappointed when I mentioned Asahina-san. Maybe it was just paranoia. Then again, if the uke let down his guard…

But hadn't the seme already gotten his way with the poor damned uke?


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: No own.

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The next day, Haruhi sat quietly in front of the computer, entranced by yuri. Koizumi and I squared off over a checkers board. I managed not to be losing miserably, so I felt rather good about myself. Nagato didn't bring a book for once. Instead, she watched Asahina-san make tea. Nagato was making Asahina-san so nervous… Sadly, I was a little preoccupied with fearing for my life.

"Kyon-kun," Asashina-san broke the silence. "Is your sister feeling better?"

My sister? What about… Oh, right, my sister! Yes, she's feeling much better now. I shouldn't have to miss another meeting.

Nagato leaped out of her chair, grabbed Asahina-san by the wrist, and dragged her out of the room. It was abrupt, to say the least. I almost ran after them before I recalled my last conversation with Nagato.

"Lesbian lover," Haruhi muttered.

"It's your turn," Koizumi directed my attention to the checkers board, not to mention away from Asahina-san's plight. He did seem awfully sad when I started talking about her. And the way he was watching my hand as I tried to decide on my next move… It was creepy.

I need to use the bathroom!

Koizumi stared after me I left the room. Jeez, it never ended. He was probably just toying with me… Bastard…

"I love you," Nagato confessed.

Holy crap. I had escaped the horrible awkwardness of checkers with a former love interest only to wander blindly into the middle of a confession scene straight out of some crappy, feel-good shoujo manga. Not that I've read any crappy, feel-good shoujo manga, mind you…

"You appear to be the source of these emotions that I have been experiencing lately, Mikuru Asahina. I looked for a programming glitch. There was none. Then I suspected interference from Haruhi Suzumiya. This is the most likely cause, but… I do not wish to believe it. I love you… Mikuru…"

Nagato leaned in for a kiss. Oh, God… What to do… Asahina-san was clearly not welcoming this new development…

"Hold on a sec, just passing through. Need to use the bathroom…" I cut in.

Sure, Nagato glared daggers at me, but the way Asahina-san smiled at her savior made it all worth it.

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**Author's Note**: Kyon needs to stop screwing up all the good yuri...


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: No own.

* * *

When I went to the clubroom the following afternoon, a cup of hot tea was waiting for me, even though Asahina-san was nowhere to be seen. I took a sip. She had definitely been there. Only her loving hands could have made this tea. "What do you think of the tea?" Koizumi asked. "I brewed it myself."

Ah. I immediately put the cup down, refusing to think about the implications of this discovery.

Haruhi was glued to the computer screen, murmuring that, even though Himiko and Kaon were the highlight of their anime, they couldn't measure up to the original Himeko and Chikane. Nagato just read her book. But where was Asahina-san?

The door flew open as Tsuraya-san kicked it aside. "Hiya!"

I seemed to be the only one to take notice of her. Hey, Tsuraya-san, any idea where Asahina-san is?

"Mikuru is sick today!" Tsuraya-san laughed. "Sick with fear? Sick with love? Who knows?"

How…? Did she know about Nagato? Either way, Nagato put her book down and left the room. I really hoped she wasn't going to visit Asahina-san at home. Tsuraya-san stayed behind, surveying the clubroom. She seemed greatly amused by something. Then again, she always did. But today, she wasn't the same hyperactive psychopath she usually was to my eyes.

By God, she was an uninterested third party, an endless well of unbiased advice.

"Hey, Tsuraya-san, could I ask you what you think about something?" As I pulled her aside, the sheer madness of what I was doing struck me, but I quickly dismissed it when compared with the absurdity of my entire situation.

"What's up?"

"Well, Tsuraya-san, there's this person and I think… this person may have feelings for me, but I'm not sure. I know… this person used to, but now… The question is—"

"Confrontation!" Tsuraya-san interrupted. "You have to confront him if you ever want to get anywhere! Then, let your combined love flood the world!" She began to laugh uncontrollably.

Combined love… yeah, about that… Still, thanks for the advice. I think I will confront that person.

"You're welcome! See ya!" And with that, Tsuraya-san was gone. Yes, I would confront Koizumi and get some answers. I would find out whether or not I was overreacting to friendly gestures. I would—

Wait, had Tsuraya-san actually said "confront _him_"?


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer**: No own.

* * *

Koizumi gathered his things and went home. Looks like that confrontation will wait until tomorrow. It was just me and Haruhi.

There was nothing better to do, and I don't mind yuri, so I pulled up a chair next to her. I was expecting to see two girls going at it.

I got Nowaki and Hiroki in the library.

What? Nowaki and Hiroki? In the library? Again?

"Hey, Misaki and Usagi-san spared the Ferris wheel, at least," Haruhi replied.

But what happened to the yuri? When did the yuri get replaced by the gay man porn?

"Kyon, I love yuri, I really do… But there's just not that much of it! Kannazuki no Miko, Strawberry Panic, My-HiME, Simoun, Kyoshiro to Towa no Sora, and then what? A few random episodes of Sailor Moon and Loveless! Can you think of any other good yuri, Kyon?"

As much as I wanted to provide some suggestions, I had to admit that I couldn't.

"Yaoi is just as good as yuri, so why not?"

So you never stopped watching yaoi?

"Right… why?"

Oh, just curious. Although a lot of things just suddenly made sense… Damn it, that confrontation was really necessary now, wasn't it?

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**Author's Note**: Damn, I just realized how short that chapter was. Please don't be angry with me, the next will be longer, and tie up all the loose ends with both the YukiMiku and ItsuKyon... cuz it's kinda the last chapter... ^^;


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer**: No own.

* * *

I fell asleep planning my final showdown with Koizumi. Yes, I was prepared for both outcomes. A gentle rejection if I were right or an admission of paranoia if I were wrong. Yes, I was prepared for anything…

The next day at school, I marched right up to Koizumi, pulled him into an empty classroom, and demanded to know how he really felt about me.

"Kyon-kun, you are the one person I truly care about. I love you."

Wow, that was a little more to-the-point than I was expecting. I was prepared with my gentle rejection: "I'm sorry, Koizumi, but I like you…"

As a friend?

At the word "like," he had dropped his pants.

Whoa, Koizumi, slow down there. I like you—

"Shut up, Kyon," Koizumi interrupted. "I know what you mean. Words will only slow us down."

But—

"Shh…"

Pull your pants back up!

"But now is the time for action!"

Dear God, please don't let anyone walk in on this…

I felt something fall down my legs to my ankles. Koizumi dangled a belt in front of my face. My belt… Oh, crap…

He pantsed me, that bastard…

Rape!

I awoke from my nightmare, screaming, panting, sweating. I decided that if _that_ was what was waiting for me in my sleep, I would spend the rest of the night awake.

When morning came, I was very anxious and very tired. I had to get this over with. Before school started, I found Koizumi and isolated him.

Hey, Koizumi, rough week, eh?

"No rougher than usual."

No, of course not… Hey, could I talk to you in another room?

I opened the door to the first classroom I saw to be faced with the sight of Nagato hanging over Asahina-san. Poor, poor Asahina-san…

"I-I've never really thought much about you before, but now I feel like I know the real you and I know it isn't permitted by my superiors, but… I l-love you Nagato-san, er, Yuki!"

Asahina-san… kissed… Nagato… not… the other way… around… That right there killed what I had assumed to be the general order of things.

"Another room, perhaps?" Koizumi suggested. A fine idea.

When we finally found an empty room, I slowly, cautiously asked him what some of his actions signified.

"So the jig is up," was all he said.

Why, yes, if there was a jig, it's up now. So there was a jig?

"Kyon-kun." He put his hands on my shoulders. Whoa, back up there, personal space being invaded.

"Kyon-kun, it never stopped! It wasn't Suzumiya-san after all!"

I was about to correct him on that when I suddenly felt a bit hurt. If you never stopped loving me, then why did you break up with me?!

"You pulled away. I just assumed…"

Well, I need to breathe sometime, don't I?! Wait, what was I saying? I didn't…

Koizumi kissed me. The yaoi was back in full swing. All because I had to be stupid and get all defensive over something pointless. Of course I hadn't pulled away for breath before… Still, maybe I was just an endless spring of passion that needed an outlet or some such nonsense, but I wasn't minding Koizumi's affections as much as I thought I would… Wasn't gender just a fifty-fifty chance, or something like that? And Asahina-san was a little preoccupied…

Haruhi would drag him off of me when it suited her.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Oh, Kyon, always making assumptions about Mikuru... Well, that's it for this story. I hope you liked it, thanks for reading! Bye-ni!


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